Thursday, 1 August 2013


One day I heard my daughter use the phrase "sugar coated faecal matter."  She uttered these words in an appropriate context and I loved it.  I loved it because it so aptly described the people she was referring to and in general it so perfectly suits a lot of people.  I used the phrase myself on a number of occasions and decided to investigate its general usage.  It turns out that according to Google (which is becoming less and less reliable) there is only one occurrence on the internet (other than my few spatterings).

SUGAR COATED FAECAL MATTER was first used by Lydia-kitten in a Harry Potter fanfic called Wand Cores.

"I find myself being less and less motivated to attend places in which I will not be alone or with people of my own choice, even if it concerns my personal health and wellbeing. No need is stronger than the one to flee this mass of giggles and lipids and non-functioning braincells, soaked in sweat and make-up and noisome aromas, wrapped up tightly in a revolting sense of fashion. "Sugar-coated faecal matter", to quote an aquaintance of mine, Abraxas Malfoy. I find it a great description, very fitting to most of the human race nowadays."

This lady is clearly something special.  Extraordinary in fact.  I haven't read much of her work but what little I have is a grade above something up there.  I so love the phrase "sugar coated faecal matter" that I have used it on a number of occasions in my rantings.  It is delightful, light hearted, deep and meaningful, frightening (to the right people) and insightful.  I do not simply say this lightly.  I found a significant precursor of her perception.  One which according to our cultural context is entirely above reproach and in fact gives a profoundly spiritual legitimacy to her phrase.  It is no less an individual than God himself.  Well, Jesus, but who's counting.  Well, actually a guy called Matthew who said Jesus said it, but who am I to argue with the might of the Christian orthodoxy.

The Biblical Canonical Orthodox reference is ...

The Bible - King James Version - Matthew - Chapter 23 - Verse 27

"Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness."

So there you have it.  From the horse's mouth!

Wand Cores - Harry Potter fanfic - Lydia-kitten - Chapter 1 -  Paragraph 28

"Sugar-coated faecal matter."

I suppose if one considers Lydia-kitten more the 'hand of God Harry er Voldemort (whatever) then the quote should be attributed to Abraxas Malfoy who I suppose, as the paternal grandfather to the lovable Draco Malfoy, might be considered a kind of prophet or something.

But I give Lydia-kitten full credit for bringing such a beautiful poetic phrase into the English language.

Maybe we could create an organisation to recognise the achievements of some people who eminently fit the description.  We could create the Order of Sugar Coated Faecal Matter.  People could have titles bestowed upon them such as "Member of the Order of Sugar Coated Faecal Matter" and they could then put the letters MOSCFM after their name on official papers and the like.  There could be Odorous Members (OMOSCFM) who show evidence of significantly disgusting innards, Saccharine Members (SMOSCFM) who have developed an amazingly sickly coating (possibly Dolores Umbridge might warrant this grade)  and maybe Associate Members (AMOSCFM) who are sycophantic but hardly worth a title.  Maybe there could be the grand title of Cadaverous Member (CMOSCFM) only granted to folk who have nothing left that could possibly be described as living.

Yes I think that's a good idea.

Order of Sugar Coated Faecal Matter Members List

"Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness.  Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?"

Dolores Umbridge SMOSCFM
Iain Duncan Smith CMOSCFM
Nick Clegg AMOSCFM
David Cameron OMOSCFM

Please send your nominations in via the comments on this blog with a brief description of why they should be so highly honoured and I will start a permanent register and a dedicated page on the internet.

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