Wednesday, 25 May 2016


Yesterday, at 4 in the afternoon, I became illegal.  I can't really comprehend what that is supposed to mean.  As far as I am concerned I am a person alive on this planet.  But other people have manufactured a construct which collectively designates me as illegal.  Does that render me dead but inconveniently breathing and moving?  The potential complexity of this problem consistently leads to short hand, rough and inaccurate descriptions and conclusions.  Am I a kind of Schrödinger's cat, stuck in a sealed box, awaiting someone else's observation of my state of being?

It won't be long before I am dead.  As with all things, that is a relative description.  For some butterflies that only live for a day I might seem to have an almost endless duration ahead of me.  In geological time scales my entire life is so short it seems all but insignificant anyway.  At about 60 years old it is almost certain that I have significantly less time alive in the future than I have had in the past, and in 10 or 20 years I will most probably be dead.  So it's reasonable to view my future duration as relatively short in terms of a general human life span.

There is often a tendency to separate personal issues from global issues.  This is partly due to the need or desire to separate interdependent issues for the practical purpose of understanding and dealing with situations.  Often this has a constructive and useful result.  But there are always those boundary conditions where the separation is erroneous and so misleading it causes destructive and detrimental results.  My perception of my current personal situation maps extremely well onto my perception of the larger global and historical human situation.

The world, for humans in general, appears to be in a catastrophic mess.  The same applies to my personal life.  Every interpretation I make of my life has an equal and corresponding interpretation in the wider world.  We do this all the time as human beings.  Newtonian science enables the building of machines and we see the similarities in our personal physical construction.  This leads to paradoxical issues like the free will versus determinism debate.  We then move on to information and processing rendering artificial intelligence and encounter the problematic issue of intelligence versus consciousness.

A simplified version of my situation is that there are six sibling who have an interest in the house I currently occupy following the death of the parents who owned it.  The other five all have houses to live in and a revenue stream which maintains a reasonable lifestyle.  I have no house and a revenue stream of £50 a week which is barely even survivable.  They want to throw me out and split the money six ways.  This will do me significant harm.  There is a way of ensuring all six share the available resources such that they all have somewhere to live, they all experience an improvement to their current situation, and no one suffers unduly.  But for some reason the other five cannot understand that or simply don't give a damn about anyone else but themselves.

I have been criticised for demonising them.  I actually have far more understanding of their difficulties in comprehending the situation than they are capable of giving me credit for.  It is not as simple as "they don't give a damn"; it is more a case of their not knowing how to give a damn.  And when they attempt to give a explanation for their actions it is actually a vain attempt to justify what they know are bad or erroneous actions (by their judgement - not mine).  Their rationalisations cannot stand up to any rational questioning hence their inability to understand what a discussion is.

Two of them have actually stated that their view is that they should sell this house and buy me a house and split the rest.  Why has that clear statement of their view not influenced their choice of action?  I know why (and it's complex); there is a part of them that thinks they would like to buy me a house.  But it also attempts to maintain a reflected image of themselves as nice people.  Another suggestion from them is that they use the resources to rent a property for 6 months for me (me includes my daughter and one of their sons which complicates the issue but I am ignoring that for simplicity in the explanation).  But it seems to be what the law describes as a "bad faith offer" because all attempts to clarify it were ignored leaving us unable to agree or disagree to what they claim was an offer.  Hence the situation gets more convoluted and destructive.

Much as I could, and do, attempt to understand what is going on in more accurate detail, there is an overview which is easier to grasp.  For whatever reason, justification or interpretation I am in a vulnerable position and they, from a position of advantage, are attacking me.  That seems to satisfactorily explain why I would reasonably say that what they are doing is obscene and unforgivable.  The fact that these consequences are cascading and impacting seriously negatively on my daughter also provokes in me incredible fury at the abuse.  The fact that one of my sisters discarded her sick son into this house and is now evicting him takes it all to an incomprehensible level of demonic evil.

None of them have any actual, or immediately obvious, need to do this.  So, I ask myself, why are they doing it?  With all of my experience, knowledge, compassion and insight I come up with a central and compelling explanation.  This is the result of the injustice they experienced at the hands of their parents.  They are trying (subconsciously) to evidence the abuse that was "inside" the family but not allowed to be communicated to the wider world.  They had to "smile" and appear to be everything good as determined by our culture.  It is a charade.  It is a falsehood.  It is, by definition, an evil.  It is an attempt to pretend the world is other than it is.  It is a world out of balance.

What these fucking brainless "Christians" cannot seem to comprehend is that the fucking magical mystery tour, as they perceive it, of their fucking God Almighty IS A REALITY.  It's not magical and it doesn't have to be a mystery.  They are so terrified by the imposed judgemental crap of the misdirected authoritarian projection that they are panicked into a compulsive dance of conformity in a desperate attempt to believe something that isn't true so that they are allowed to live another day.  That pisses me off so much there are no clean and tidy ways for me to express the utter self contradictory insanity of these pretentious hypocritical lost souls.

We are all one.  Everything they do to me they do to themselves.  This applies to all of us.  This is why the whole fucking world is in such a mess.  This is possibly why Christianity has probably perpetrated more death and destruction on this planet than any of the other Abrahamic religions and possibly more than ANY other identifiable group or cultural construction.  It's a GIANT FUCKING GUILT TRIP being projected onto the world.  They are trying to hide the evidence from their own brains that they killed their own fucking God.

Metaphors you numbskulls.  There is no "right hand of God", there is no "father's house of many rooms", there is no God or Devil, these are METAPHORES.  And the same patterns can be seen in their fractal nature at all levels of human experience.  What truly disturbs me is how I believe in God - the reality.  It is a metaphor of a truth that I believe in.  But that "God" can be found in all utterances of theology, mysticism, philosophy, psychology, mathematics, quantum physics and even in the depths of the science of software theory.  It's called truth and is what love is.  Every un-rectified transgression of truth creates dark ripples which eventually coalesce in some all pervasive hideous manifestation of evil.  What the fuck is wrong with these people?

And this is why I am getting tired of this life.

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