Toast & Turbines

I woke up this morning with a number of strange ideas going on in my head.  One was about requesting an email newsletter from a company called con.com and another was spreading butter on half toasted grainy bread.  But behind all of that was this simmering volcano of anger about the abusive culture that I am experiencing.  The Post Office incident is the first port of call but it soon matches the Children Services issue and [my father] and [my x-wife] and the [local] High School and the hospital school and the dentists in this town and the Education Officer and it goes on.  Currently I am fuming about the Emperor's New Clothes.  People seem to have this delusion they wish to maintain and if I get anywhere near questioning it they will annihilate me.

This could so easily be interpreted or represented as paranoia but tell that to the Holocaust Jews or the "Witches" who were burnt at the stake.  Tell that to the victims of the Inquisition or the American Indians.

As I sit here and think of writing this up for the blog I realise that I don't have the impetus or the energy.  I don't have the conviction that it is worth anything.  I can hear people saying "Oh shut up and do something about it."  So then I picture myself not pursuing the complaint which is, in some sense, the attempt to change other people but rather doing something to fix my situation like paining pictures and selling them for money.  Then I realise two things.  The first is that it is what they want and the second is how it becomes impossible to do anything with so many outstanding problems to solve.  The first issue is difficult because on the surface it seems that the "reason" for not doing it is "because" it is what they want;  As if it is a child with ODD (this is slightly satirical because of course children don't "have" ODD - it is given to them by abusive adults).  But it is simplified as the reason for not doing it being because it is what they want on the basis that it is actually their agenda in the first place.  Within a cultural context I have been told to act in compliance with an abusive paradigm.  I have been well educated and am placed in a situation where I am supposed to work for a living.  If it were as simple as that I would be happily doing it.  I have had many jobs but by defending people from injustice I have progressively been marginalised, ostracised and ultimately deprived of a way of "earning a living".  Now I am told to knuckle down and get on with something that is within their agenda and which is either harmless to them or collusive with their nonsense and makes them a huge profit and maintains the paradigms of control and abuse.  So I am supposed to crawl away into a corner and neurotically paint little pictures which will earn me just enough to survive in poverty and pain.  It would be fine if I were starting out from 20 years old and fit and healthy but at my ripe old age and my now desperate state of ill health it is not a practical solution.  So it is seen as kowtowing to their abuse, hence not doing it because it is what they want.  The second issue is similarly complex and is understandable with a little explanation.  One of the ways we operate as humans is to categorize phenomena.  One aspect of this is to simplify handling information.  We split things into categories like work and home life;  Home life is split into leisure and house work;  Housework is split into shopping and cleaning;  Shopping is split into getting there and the shopping list etc.  We do this as a way of keeping our brains tidy and making it possible to function.  Failing that we live in a bizarre and  unmanageable mess.  I can't just "do something" because I can't decide what to do because there are too many unresolved problems vying for attention.  I need to clear up some of the outstanding mess.  That mess, unfortunately for me is caused by other malicious people.  Well they may not be intentionally malicious but there lies another philosophical issue.  What constitutes malicious?

This blog will just have to be the tired and frustrated, confused and disjointed ramblings of a lunatic/genius in pain until I get this resolved.  I have had four months of inactivity because I have been paralysed - nay, petrified - by the insatiable insanity that is our culture.  I will resolve the issues and I will solve the problems - but it is going to take a little while and it may seem arbitrary or disconnected or unfocused or completely off the point until I begin to make it coherent.