Convoluted turmoil in the vortex of other people's convoluted turmoil.
Inside my head I simulate what it is like inside another person's head. Inside other people's heads are simulations of other people's heads. One of the other people in their head is their simulation of what's inside my head. Inside my head is a simulation of their simulation of what's inside my head which includes their simulation of my simulation of them.
All of this seems to occur inside the neurological network of our brain.
It matters to me what other people think of me. It matters to me because I have learnt that my behaviour affects their behaviour toward me. Just as one learns the mechanism of reaching out and picking up a glass of water to get a drink so we learn how to operate other people's behaviour around us to nourish our experience.
Because of the complex self reproduction of patterns in the material universe we are already the result of a long sequence of self interaction. Our physical form embodies the behaviour of self simulation. We are, to use an analogy, hard wired to simulate other people in our brains.
When I interact with people if I have an image of them which is in some way negative to them they have an image of me which is somewhat negative. They need to alter their behaviour to cause a change in my perception which is more advantageous to them. The complexities and variations seem endless. But from one perspective it seems that they benefit from my good regard of them. But if their approach to me is to attempt to change my perception of them by force or imposition then, in me at least, there is a tendency for me to object and to have a more negative view of them. Not liking this, or not serving their inner interest, they may increase their efforts causing an amplification of the effect.
This self reflection is analogous to mirrors and in my case I often feel like a mirror to other people. Sometimes it is as if they so dislike their reflection they try to destroy me. To me it appears that way. So how did I arrive at a negative perception of them? And what of the people I regard well?
Generally speaking humans do not like killing other humans. There has been much research done on this and any General understands that you have to condition your troops to kill. You have to create powerful dynamics which render the soldier dependent upon your good regard of him. He has to have a perception of the collective consensus which perceives him as good when he kills an enemy; and equally that he is bad when he doesn't. Many soldiers return from active duty traumatised by the actions they have taken. What is also revealing is how betrayed veterans feel when they are treated no better than cattle when they return home.
In an individual case a person does not want to break the mirror which reflects a negative image because they are more concerned to change the mirror to reflect them well. People require mirrors because it is how they form their own image of themselves. Of course, in extremes they will break the mirror if they are frustrated and making no improvement to their self image. But the problem there is that the negative image which they have simulated inside their own head is now fixed and unalterable.
It seems that our self image is a reflection and as such we are not somehow a unique thing so much as a unique perspective.
One of my enduring problems is how to operate in a dysfunctional environment in such a way as to render a good result for me. How can I act for my benefit without harming others who are harming me because that leaves me feeling bad about myself. In this convoluted vortex of feedback I only need to chance upon smallest adjustment to alter the manifest cascading disaster into a beautiful rendition of harmonious equilibrium.
All of this is going on subliminally and unconsciously. So, when they approach me and I either take off their heads with a scimitar or shower rose petals at their feet, is it their doing or mine? Which will render the best result. What God wants God gets.