Who hurts who?

So what is it that is so cruel about this world?  They say people are 'depressed' or suffering from 'anxiety disorder' or this or that condition. But what causes these things?  I hardly know where to start this story - this ramble - this analysis.  So far humanity appears to regard careful thinking, rational thinking, logical thinking as productive, creative, positive things.  But I am more and more encountering the stunning contradictions in the conventional 'ideas' that our culture seems to assume and live on.  Hitting children is okay but hitting adults is not.  Shouting is rude but when you are being ignored deliberately and it drives you to shout because the other person is abusing you it is convenient to blame you, the victim, for being rude.  If you tell someone that someone else is stealing from you or otherwise abusing you, or someone else, you are criticised for 'telling tales'.  But the pretence in the media is that you should come forward and tell people.  How about the bizarre case of Bradley Manning and Julian Assange.  Bradley Manning sees the most glaring abuses and crimes being committed by an authority, the US Army, and so he gives the incriminating evidence to Julian Assange who publishes it on the internet;  Telling the world the truth of what is going on.  Telling the US citizens the unacceptable truth.  The US, and basically the rest of the Western World, pursue Julian Assange with the most disgusting and primitive aggression, in some way basing it on a feeble and inconsistent assumption that somehow he has been 'disloyal' or 'treacherous' and want him dead.  They collect up Bradley Manning and illegally imprison him in solitary confinement for nine months without trial.  All this is based on the idea that the USA is the good guy and so little deviations from perfect are acceptable in the pursuit of the greater good.  But at the same time they are using other people's similar motives to accuse them of being evil.  It is so overtly contradictory I cannot understand how it continues.  If I believed the world was populated by malicious zombies it would make sense.  So let's assume these millions, even billions of people who support the US, the UK, Europe and other apparently legitimate cultures are, in fact, mindless zombies who are relentlessly destroying the world and living at other people's expense.  Let's assume that they are killing other people's babies and destroying billions of human beings (which, I note, they are).  Then it would make sense not to care about them and to lie and cheat, to steal and to do whatever it took to survive in their world.  It would even make sense to destroy their culture or to arbitrarily shoot some of their children or even random shoppers.  But the bizarre thing is this is how so many people seem to be living.  They don't care about the overt contradictions of the governments.  They don't care about the systematic abuse by the state.  They do nothing about the injustices surrounding them.  They treat other people like mindless malicious zombies and get on looking after themselves even though it requires a degree of deception and cheating on their part.  This culture is living on precisely the same values that the German culture was living on prior to the second world war.  The Germans gave up on the pretence and started simply dealing with the problem by constructing death camps with dedicated ovens and gas chambers and building an entire railway system to deliver these people, this dross, this inconveniently still moving detritus, this human waste to the disposal sites.

Do all these 'good Christians' with their 4x4s, their suburban semis, their little jobs, their 2.7 children with their pink tutus and a birthday cake with candles once a year realise what they are doing.  Do they care?  They do know what they are doing.  That is the most tragic reality.  The hardest thing for me is the realisation that they do know what they are doing.  I have grown up with these people and they are lying to themselves quite overtly.  They resist with anger if you get anywhere near making them admit to themselves what they actually know.  They bury the truth to survive.  But if you ever question them on the more pertinent issues they get angry and irrational.  It is as clear as anything that they have the knowledge of what they are part of and are afraid of it to the point that they will not allow it to surface from what just might be called their subconscious to their conscious mind.

If I had my choice over again I would not chose to exist.  Given that I do exist the question for me is what can I do about it.  During my life I have encountered profound happiness and profound sadness.  I have experienced sublime pleasure and intolerable pain.  All I want is to be left alone to get on with my life and to pursue some of the more beautiful aspects of this thing called reality.  But unfortunately I have incidentally encountered too many arseholes who's only desire in life seems to be to shit on otherwise okay people.  What is that about?

My biggest problem, it seems to me, is that I was born to two very badly damaged individuals who, in the name of this pretentious 'goodness' abused and mistreated their children appallingly.  It may not have been their fault but that doesn't change what happened.  Now, I suspect, I am damaged beyond repair.  I have spent most of my life trying to get far enough away from the damaging influence to lick my wounds and to limp on with what remnants of my life could be salvaged from the devastation.  But unwittingly I married my father; Talking psychologically you understand.  I married the same abusive patterned behaviour.  The same unfeeling, sentimental, judgemental, pretentious, sanctimonious, self serving... unpleasant git.

Why would I do that you might ask?  The trouble with us humans is that we are psychological.  This person, my now ex-wife, used different words, moved differently, was devious about different things and she seemed to my conscious mind a 'different' person from the most heinous people who spawned me.  But it didn't take many years to realise that the same patterns were at work.  Then the problem was what to do to survive.  Us humans survive - it's a Darwinian thing.  The reason my ex-wife seemed (in part I have to admit) a good partner was because in some inexplicable way I felt psychologically/emotionally safe.  It 'felt' right, in spite of various foibles or odd values that were clearly wonky.  It 'felt' safe.  That is what happens to us;  We are back in an environment from which we clearly 'survived'.  It is, to our psyche, familiar and survivable.  We are particularly vulnerable if our early years have left us feeling vulnerable because we don't feel confident about surviving so when another abuser of the same 'type' turns up we feel 'safe'.  On this account if there were a God it would clearly be malicious.

So it seems there are too many contradictions in the contrived world of humans.  When it hurts they are wrong.  You think you are but the evidence is it is them.  So when it hurts remind yourself that that is the evidence that you are right.  It is a bit like when someone punches you - you know who has hurt who.  The same thing applies emotionally.  When someone hurts you emotionally it is they who have hurt you.  Avoid the tendency to ask "What is wrong with me?"  It is a perversion and one probably born in childhood when you needed to survive.