HOW LIFE IMITATES ART

The muse of Recoil

Western culture has a profound problem and it is of the nature of imagining itself a superior observer of an essentially inanimate and lifeless universe.  This leads to a sense of entitlement and domination.  I have often wondered whether the Abrahamic religions are a self fulfilling prophecy or an observation of the inevitable.

I made the film Recoil as an expression of the profound self destructive nature of humanity or even the universe itself.  I summed it up once as God creating the universe and recoiling at the devastating catastrophe that it had created.  As with feedback it takes only one deviation from the universal void to observe itself and thereby become something more.  There is all the potential for this process to be beautiful in its resonating harmonic interaction.  But it can become mechanistic, aggressive, and self destructively violent, like a cosmic reaper destroying everything including its own soul.

As Carl Jung was at pains to point out the psyche is real.  His astute assertion was that an unreal thing cannot change the real world and yet this planet is littered with nuclear bombs.  His perceived dilemma was born of Western philosophy and its manner of separating the soul from the world as if we somehow possess the consciousness that is in fact the universe itself.

Recoil was designed to suggest the sublime potential of creativity whilst becoming the antithesis of itself and violently chewing itself up from the inside out.  It was intended to be extremely disturbing and difficult to watch.  It was an expression of my own sense of utter despair at the abhorrent cruelty and nihilistic behaviour manifest by humanity.

Turbulent distortions

It is supremely ironic that in the process of renovating Recoil a small deviation of negativity arises to extend its tentacles of discontent into any unwitting or available fissure to spread its virulent toxin of angst and despair.  Like negative feedback it attempts to ravage and consume its host to overwhelm and destroy all creativity returning the world to the bleak and meaningless void of darkness whilst echoing the words of Vishnu "Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."

It seems one individual insidiously insinuated himself under false pretences into the project for personal kudos and financial gain.  Having interfered to the point of causing unnecessary problems it seems the pathological response was to embark on an excessive smear campaign of defamation and slander to hide from the embarrassment of self realisation.  This individual has put a lot of effort into his crusade to whip up discontent, spread seeds of doubt, and muster a hue and cry apparently with the hope of forming a lynch mob.  The tirade of relentless harassment, abuse, stalking, and trolling has currently culminated in him inappropriately and illegally uploading a copy of Recoil to YouTube.

The vast majority of people who contributed to the project to rescue Recoil have remained either unaware of the disruption or silent on the matter.  It has been suggested that I might perhaps respond to this turbulence.  I am reluctant to be dragged into someone else's dysfunctional dilemma and resist the temptation to indulge in malicious gossip, fuelling flame wars, or feeding trolls on social media.

Calming Balm

Since the hideous Kraken from the deep has attempted to cast doubt in some people's minds I will reassure the crew that although these perturbations may feel a little disturbing they will pass and the voyage will continue on its charted course to its desired destination.

Recoil is a film whose time appears to be dawning.  It is a personal priority for me to make this film available to the public.  The fact that the film was created in the fertile artistic environment of the early 1980s in the northern industrial city of Sheffield and that the sound track was produced in conjunction with Stephen Mallinder of Cabaret Voltaire in their Western Works Studio and credited to myself and Cabaret Voltaire makes it especially interesting to music lovers and historical archivists of that era and genre.

Many enthusiastic friends and interested parties have generously contributed to the material costs involved in realising the restoration of this rare and otherwise obscure material.  As many people are aware, much work has already been done and the film has been digitised and restored successfully.  The process of producing DVDs is continuing.  As a labour of love there never has been any doubt in my mind that this project will be concluded successfully in spite of numerous unforeseen difficulties.

Due to my limited time and capacity there can be no assured deadline and all I can say is that I continue to put a lot of my available time and effort into the project.  I heard rumours that the project was dead but these are simply the voices of naysayers and false prophets of doom blowing on the wind in the parched and lifeless valley of death.

When a copy of Recoil was illegally uploaded to YouTube recently I immediately submitted a copyright infringement claim to get it removed because although I am keen for anyone and everyone to see the film it is not fair to those who have contributed financially to make the film publically available on YouTube before they get their DVDs.

RECOIL

Still image from the film Recoil.

Recoil is an abstract non-narrative film possibly more relevant today even than it was in 1981.

Contribute to this project.

Recoil is a short 10 minute film made by Nik Allday in 1981.  The concept originated with raw material of video feedback and some sparse nuclear bomb footage available at the time.  The idea was to represent in abstract form the cruel chaotic dysfunctional nature of the human condition with all its potential for self destruction.  It was conceived as a manifestation of wretched anger, fury, and regret.  A story board was constructed and the diagrams created and slowly the concept began to take shape.

Title screen.

The sound track needed to dynamically compliment and substantially echo the tortured demonic soul of the film.  Cabaret Voltaire seemed like a natural choice and so Nik approached Stephen Mallinder with the project to see if he would be interested in assisting in creating the audio component.  Cabaret Voltaire inhabited part of an old factory in Sheffield at the time called Western Works where they had their sound studio.  Mal seemed to like the idea and so work began and multiple tracks were laid down.  With Nik's conceptual perspective and Mal's creative talent and technical skills a masterpiece of distorted, rhythmic, cacophonous, soundscape was manifest and mixed down to a master quarter inch tape.

Some credits.

All the raw visual material was transferred to high contrast black and white film and the editing began.  It took many weeks of dedication and endless late nights to cut the film, coordinate the sequences, and to meld the abstract construct into the contiguous, throbbing, undulating, violent, distorted, and nihilistic masterpiece that is Recoil.  At the time of its initial release there were various reactions some of the more memorable being that it should have a health warning and that it would be better called the migraine machine.  There were one or two voices that claimed it was a work of genius too.

Apart from a few private viewings in the late 1980s Recoil slowly vanished into obscurity languishing in some inaccessible oblivion.  Life continued and Recoil became a distant nostalgic memory alive and well in my mind but out of reach in the real world.  Until, one day, I found a worn out copy in a box in a garage.  The hunt was on.  I searched through the rotting mass of furniture, collapsing cardboard boxes, old art work, and even a decaying cat corpse, and eventually located several almost archaeological remnants of the original material for Recoil.

16mm optical sound track in good condition.

I was delighted when I found the original quarter inch tape of the soundtrack but to my horror it had degraded and was suffering what is called "sticky-shed syndrome".  This appears to be a problem with a limited batch of tape produced in the late 1970's which used an unstable binder.  Fortunately I eventually located the original master 16mm optical track along with the original master 16mm visual film.  On further inspection these masters, shown above and below,  were well protected by their inner wrapping and appear to be in almost perfect condition.

16mm film only with no sound track.

I managed to get some equipment to view the rather worn out combined film that I found first and have extracted some still images as shown bellow.

Stills gleaned from the film.

Having contacted a variety of archive film experts it appears the two separate masters can be digitised and combined into a digital master and reproduced for a fee.  Help bring this piece of Art History back to life; contribute to this project now and please share this page because it's the only way other people get to hear about it.  You can donate by clicking the link below.

Contribute to this project.

You might also be interested in supporting my Patreon adventure by becoming a sponsor of more abstract film projects in conjunction with various artists.

NOVO COGNATO

Still image from the video Novo Cognato

Novo Cognato is the latest in the series of collaborative ventures by Toxic Drums.  The intention being to create audiovisual works with various artists involved.  It is early days yet but there are currently three significant AVs available, PLASTICO MUNDO, SIMULACRA of the OPPRESSED, and NOVO COGNATO, which are all produced by Ian Burden and Nik Allday.

Novo Cognato consists of visuals entitled ELECTRIC MUSE created by the experimental artist Nik Allday to accompany the album track THY KINGDOM from Ian Burden's forthcoming album.

You can stay informed of releases as they occur and other news by subscribing to this blog, following me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/sam.spruce.5817, subscribing to my YouTube channel, https://www.youtube.com/user/nikalldayyt, and/or becoming a patron of Toxic Drums at https://www.patreon.com/toxicdrums.

Avoiding the benign terror.

Mathematical 'Art'

I was having a discussion on the internet with my friend who shall be called Dave.  Several other's got involved and then Dave said to me "When I tell you I 'feel' God you can't feel what I feel yet because you haven't felt what I've experienced."  He went on to say "What you are seeing right now is the worldly things... Negative things... And in all the beautiful sunsets where I see God the Artist, you see science and death."

Well I got mad.

No Dave - That is neither correct nor fair.  I think you are projecting your subconscious onto me.  It seems to me it is possibly you who fears that the alternative to your sense of euphoria is misery or, as you put it, "science and death" as if it is cold and meaningless.

As it happens I have had very similar 'feelings' to the one's you describe.  I experience the profound joy of being alive and the sense of awe at the complexity, beauty and wonder of it all.  If I come across at times as 'negative' it is precisely because I think life is sacred and irreplaceable.  I am appalled by the inhumanity, death and destruction that is wrought in God's name on this planet.  I am angry, very angry, and with good reason.  My humanity bleeds for the pain and suffering of millions on this earth and I spend a lot of my time concerned and puzzling over it.  If my life is worth anything it is to bear witness to the truth of what is going on.  Many people would rather feel happy in their ignorance and that is a viable option but what I see is people afraid to view the terror that is rampant in this temporal existence.  If I choose to carry a disproportionate volume of pain that is my choice (as much as any of us has any choice).  I would suggest that I am actually far more in tune with what Jesus stood for than 90% of practicing Christians.  I say that from quite a lot of experience including being a practicing Christian for many years and attending possibly the best Roman Catholic private school in the UK and spending many hours discussing theology with seminary students and priests.

I made a film called "Recoil" many years ago.  It was entirely abstract with nothing 'recognisable' in it and wholly black and white with a sound track composed jointly by myself and Cabaret Voltaire.  It was viewed by a priest who knew nothing of my motive but he understood exactly what it was about.  He described it as genius.  It was about God recoiling at the realisation of what he had created.  I mention this just to add substance to my claim of sincere involvement and awareness of those issues that most people associate with religion and in particular Christianity.  I understand religion far better than most and have, ironically, probably had more conversations with God than the proverbial 'hot dinners'.

So by all means discuss religion with me but please don't tell me I "haven't experienced it yet" or try to convert me to some blissful interpretation of God which, in my humble opinion, is an escape clause.  Christ didn't die for no reason; he died, as is so often explained, for our sins.  But that is not a get out clause to carry on with gay abandon killing and maiming children with impunity to protect our own sense of wellbeing and happiness - which is how a lot of people treat it.  You are not singularly responsible for the deaths of thousands, actually millions, across the Middle East but I don't see you lobbying against your government to stop this insane war machine where they are unleashing the most sophisticated 'scientific' technology of death upon millions of civilians in the Middle East.  That is the real cold hard "science and death".

I profoundly, and with every fibre of my existence, object to this wholesale industrial slaughter being perpetuated by our cultures.  No - Christianity is about standing against oppression.  It was never meant to be a cushy ride and using God and the Church to gain a sense of peace and contentment for one's own sake in spite of the dysfunctional trauma being perpetrated by our societies is an affront to the man who stood against authoritarian hierarchy and oppression and died on a cross for our sins.

He knew, because it is predictable, that they will kill anyone who stands against them.  It is not a fiction or a practise run - it is real life and real death.  The profundity of death is we have no real way of not seeing it as the end.  It is the terminal meaninglessness of our existence staring us inescapably in the face.  This is why Christ descended into hell before ascending to heaven.  It is the absolute hopelessness that has to be experienced before the revelation of the incredible wonder that is reality.  Most Christians simply sidestep that fearful awareness and continue to delude themselves that it will be alright in the end.  There is only one way it will be alright and that is when we wake up to the fact that this is reality, this is God, this is what it is about.  In Christian terms this is absolute - this is sacred - if you can't value and respect it as the very existence, the very becoming, of God then it is a charade and a falsehood.

In fact the tragedy is that by avoiding the benign terror that is the revelation we project it onto others.  Hence the cultural fear of terrorists giving rise to the 'justification' for being the harbingers and executors of death (real death) to millions of others.  We become our own worst fears.  No Dave, I am not ignorant of God, I fear and love God.  But I cannot indulge in the now entirely corrupt material world manifestation of the false religion maintained by the very hierarchy that Jesus objected to.  And to add to your education I also produce beautiful mathematical, scientific, 'art' to add to the delights on this planet too.  And here is a wee example [at top of blog page]:

You can see more at

http://samspruce.deviantart.com/gallery/33264046/Patterns

or

http://www.toxicdrums.com/gallery/index.htm

:)

I hope my emotional creative writing has conveyed a little more of my passion and beliefs. ;)

Oh God - Please help me!

Here's the story.  I got pointed to a video.  It was forwarded with the comment "This Kid Just Died. What He Left Behind Is Wondtacular."  It was about a guy called Zach Sobiech who had cancer and died aged 18.  He also became a bit of an internet celebrity for a moment.  He seems a nice bloke and the video is worth watching.  For me, with sentimental ADHD, it is a bit long at 22 minutes but I made it to the end which is some recommendation.

So there you have it.  Now I have my own particular take on things and I am not as isolated in my opinions, feelings and thoughts as some of my adversaries, critics or downright enemies would suggest.  In fact I am not so off the wall or rare as some of my admirers, friends or casual acquaintances might suggest either.  This is, of course, only my opinion but it seems to me quite often people go "Oh - I see what you mean."  The thing is I guess I am out of synch in a peculiar way.  My first reaction is often someone else's third.  I get it the other way round too but I try to avoid those bits.  But I got the feeling from the above video that too many people would have too many sentimental crappy thoughts about this 'oh so fucking wonderful super hero dying kid.'

I am going to have to be brief and blunt here lest I try to explain in so much detail that I do end up writing a tome.  You might think that last remark about the dying kid was unkind but I say it is seriously 'kind'.  It is respectful and honest.  Think God!  Not the God from your little Christian Sunday school who was all mushy and sweet who the bestial vicar in disguise invoked to slimily caress your little nervous ego.  Not the God that floats two inches above the ground with a sanctimonious look on his face that could only be drug induced.  Not the God that "all good children" love and woe betide you if you dared to question, let alone criticise.  Not that wonderful peace loving God that you were obliged to love and respect on the outside because you were in fear of your life and identity on the inside.  Not that illusory manifestation of some fictional warped fantasy.  No - not that one - the real one.

Think of the God that Jesus is purported to be.  The passionate empathetic human.  The lover of life and vitality.  The supporter of free thinking and expression.  The man who appreciated the real human generosity and sacrifice of the real people.  The one who loved the poor and despised the rich sycophants and authoritarian hypocrites.  It was Jesus who reminded the Sadducees "God is not the God of the dead, but of the living." [Mathew 22:32 (King James Bible)] This is not harsh it is just in your face real.  He also said "Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead." [Mathew 8:22 (King James Bible)] emphasising that life is about being alive.  It is not about being dead.  And that is what Zach managed to do - he lived whilst he was alive.  My remark that could be interpreted as 'unkind' in some way towards Zach is precisely not unkind to him but respecting his real life memory and not some sentimentalised sugar coated idealised misrepresentation of his life by people who spend more time worrying about the dead than the living.  So Zach was a nice guy and I am pleased he got the opportunity to live well.

And I went looking around and I found lots of candy crusted remarks - to be fair lots of people were just happy for him and enjoyed the real story and the music.  But I found one comment that rather emphasised one of my major concerns with 'Christians'.  The comment was on Christianity Today and was sort of answering Paul's comment:

Paul
Beautiful song. As one who struggled for a long time with depression it is a good reminder that we are all still God's children. And nothing can take that away from me or any of His.
 

Remmy
Paul; what a wonderful, loving human being you must be! To make such a comment at a time like this! Reminds me of my sister, as we were driving to say goodbye to my other sister, dying of cancer; and I quote, "What do you think of YOUR GOD now?" I love my living sister, but she is a bitter, unhappy, shadow of a True Human Being! The sister who died? Oh, she was a True Human Being, who had an everlasting connection to the Creator, through His Son, who accepted death as a reality of life, but felt at peace. I tell you the truth: Christ Lives and He stands with open arms to you; "anyone who comes to me, I will in no wise cast out." Peace!
 

What?  Did I just read that?  Yes I did!  And I encounter this kind of double standards - or are they Inside-Outness - all too often from church going self aggrandising Christians. "I love my living sister, but..."  BUT!  and then he goes on to totally slag her off "she is a bitter, unhappy, shadow of a True Human Being!"  Well shit man! - with a judgemental brother like you is it any surprise she's not doing well and doesn't float on a self sustaining good self image with natural confidence?  And my point is that too many people are so sentimentalising 'love' that they don't notice the real world.  I am sure it is their own bad self image and they were beat on as a kid and they treasure their teddy bear in their own little world trying to hold on to the remaining vestiges of the memory of what once was or should have been but it doesn't change the fact that they are not loving the real reality but rather an imagined reality or fantasy.  It is no good 'loving' someone after they are dead especially if you treated them like shit when they were alive.  But it is hard to treat people genuinely as sublime treasures when they are in your face and in your way.  I do get it - but I don't kid myself about it.  Love is about the 'here and now' and is not to be relegated to a fictional attic to be hidden away and fondled and cherished as a secret possession - that is just fetishistic and a little worrying.

That is what Jesus was talking about when he said "God is not the God of the dead, but of the living."  The really difficult bit is to make it real.  So then I ended up watching another video.  (This internet life is so busy.)  It was much shorter, more easily absorbed and quite entertaining but... it makes an extremely pertinent point.  This is "What Would You Do? Bike Theft (White Guy, Black Guy, Pretty Girl)"

So what has struck me most about this blog subject is that Zach was a really nice guy with a lot of inner strength and confidence.  He was surrounded by lovely people in his parents and family who believed in him and gave him positive regard and support.  He had a safe economic situation with adequate shelter, warmth, food and security.  With all of this he flourished and was able to not only cope with the devastating condition of his cancer but to rise to the challenge too.  This is a testament to him I agree, but it is also a testament to his parents, his family, his community and the circumstances of his life.  The lesson to be drawn from this is that we all benefit most when we genuinely look after each other.

And a final cautionary note:  The UK is sinking into the most dreadful abyss of inequality, poverty, abuse and deprivation.  NO GOOD WILL COME OF THIS WAY OF LIFE.  On the subject of Jesus: he might not have raised a sword or a gun against Iain Duncan Smith, David Cameron, Nick Clegg or any of those fascist bigots (and I would love to) but he would have, and did, raise his voice against them.  You may not WANT a fight but you sure have got to raise your voice against these tyrants and abusers or there will be no environment which will sustain love or peace.

There that's my sermon over for the day.

G'night all.

Exploring the outer limits of cellular interaction.

The inherent paradoxes of life.

I have to apologise to Manny for saying that Brian Eno was in the Velvet Underground;  He was not.  But in my defence, not that any defence is needed except in a post holistic inconsequential pre-Raphaelite existential hollow caustic world of big art tree artrists, he was strongly influenced by them and worked with John Cale - a founder member.  I would have said that Brian Eno worked extensively with both founder members of the Velvet Underground but I went to check my facts and was astounded at what I discovered.  So let me explain:  John Cale and Lou Reed are the two 'founding members' of the Velvet Underground.  Nowhere on the internet could I find a page containing any significant references to both Reed and Eno.  So, although I know they know each other is it possible they have never worked together?  On the subject of Cale and Eno they did an album called "Wrong Way Up" which is a gem in the history of music.  A strangely small, but beautifully formed, gem.  One of my favourite lyrics of all time is from the track "The River" and goes: "I remember you saying, As her deep eyes opened, In the first light seeing her, 'Here is someone new'."  When I first heard the words I was cast into a dream like meditative state of pure awe and wonder as it summed up the profound and inexpressible beauty of seeing a new life arrive on this planet.  It so perfectly expressed the peace and love, the profound yet inexplicable power of a sentient self-aware conscious human emerging from the complexity of this soup we call the universe into existence.  And so here it is for your delight...



Of course the song resonated and expressed my experience of being present at my daughter's birth so it came as no surprise to discover that Brian Eno was inspired to write those lyrics as a consequence of being present at his daughter's birth.

In my chaotic scrambling around the internet I was amazed to discover that Lou Reed has just had a liver transplant.  It was only a week ago that Laurie Anderson said that he was dying of liver failure.  He says  he is now "bigger and stronger than ever" and is looking forward to writing more songs and appearing on stage connecting in heart and spirit with his audience and the universe.  That, of course, is paraphrasing which is nothing like parachuting.  Lou Reed is a truly wonderful human and when I discovered that he and Laurie Anderson were united in that strange cultural euphemistic dysphemism called marriage I was delighted.  I am a fan of Laurie Anderson and I guess she became 'known' to the world with her track "Oh Superman" (which you should, could and can see here - this is a rendition, (to render something is to transfer it to, or manifest it in, another form and is typically used in computer graphics when an image is constructed or 'rendered' from the data but this word developed a more sinister meaning when it was used as the euphemism "extraordinary rendition" by the British and Americans in their 'War on Terror' to refer to illegally kidnapping 'suspects' and transporting them to other countries to be tortured because it would be illegal in either of those two countries) indeed it is an extraordinary rendition, of her performance as displayed in the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) in New York.



Laurie Anderson seems to be a much underappreciated creative and significant talent.  Her ... blah blah blah ... socio-political comments ... blah blah blah ... on the hidden agenda of the collective cultural subconscious reality are profound, insightful and important but no one really cares.  I know that it is inaccurate to say that no one cares because some do, but it feels as if no one cares because the few that do have little impact and the majority who don't are sycophantic supporters of the power mongers who do all the damaging doings.  But... as a special dedication to the now departed Nic Minuta here is another brilliant rendition of Laurie Anderson's work.  It is called "Walking and Falling" and is from the album "Big Science"



When I say "the now departed Nic Minuta" I am not being euphemistic.  He is not dead he is just departed.  Oh God why can't these people understand?  Dead is dead - departed is just... just... departed, moved on, gone to another place oh f**k how can I explain?  The euphemisms are too strong and are overpowering me until I begin to think the meaning of the words are the ascribed meanings which are not the meanings and then I don't even know if we are all departed because we are only someone else's molecules.  NO - this blog entry is not descending into chaotic madness - or is it?

I knew a guy who was dying of liver failure.  He died unfortunately.  I love Lou Reed and I ask myself the question "Is it because he has lots of money that he has a new liver?"  Is it possible that my friend might have had a new liver if he had enough money.  And given the known illegal trade in spare part livers can Lou be absolutely sure that his replacement liver was not illicitly manipulated from the bowels of some poor oppressed peasant half way around the world?  Oh such unpleasant thoughts in such a  beautiful world.  But I am still very pleased that Lou Reed is not only still with us - I mean alive - but is feeling good too.

I have to go now.  I mean I have to stop typing and do something else.  I am not trying to make some profound and meaningful statement about transcending to a higher plane of consciousness although I might give it a go.

Down at The Drake Inn

Just another sublime and evocative provocative work of genius from an angel if ever there were such things.

The first thing Sinéad O'Connor's "4th and Vine" reminded me of was Hustle by Tunng. I guess some experts would cite the genre and it might have something to do with the drum and bassishness with banjos and weird percussive devices. Being a percussive type myself - but an ignorant one - I also think there is something very similar in the rhythm.

But all of that is technical and the real beauty for me in this song and video (directed by Kathryn Ferguson) is the way it soaks up the best of the community spirit and cultural atmosphere of village life in mid 20th century Ireland while being juxtaposed with the irony of Sinéad's anger at the bigoted and perverse oppression of that very culture. But Sinéad IS a collection of paradoxical and contradictory emotions and views. Somehow, without sarcasm she manages to quite genuinely draw the very best from the real people of Ireland in spite of the darker side. A bit like her rendition of Once in Royal David's City (which you can find at the bottom of the page entitled Sinéad O'Connor, Pantheism, RTÉ and 100 windows!) which somehow embodies the very best intention and meaning from an otherwise discredited religious culture. She is simply mind blowing.

The song, 4th & Vine, is being released in the UK through One Little Indian on 28 January 2013 or 18 February 2013 depending upon your source. But it appears you can buy 4th & Vine now as a download from Amazon anyway.

Here is the (apparently) official version on YouTube



But then I went on to listen to another track from the album 'How About I Be Me (And You Be You)?' called Queen of Denmark. First of all I wondered what it was about the Queen of Denmark that was worth singing about and then as I began to listen to the track I thought this is one of those songs that is good and nice and interesting and maybe a little artistic and BANG - It got me! It hit me where it hurts. It is just another totally magical, straight from the heart, sincere, powerful, emotional pieces of pure artistic expression from the dark angel of innocence that is Sinéad O'Connor. This is another MUST listen to.

Sinéad O'Connor: Queen of Denmark



When Sinéad wonders what she wants from this world at least she is giving me a bit of what I want.