tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post383462213945930380..comments2023-09-19T14:06:31.000+01:00Comments on Toxic Drums: Creepy "LETTER FROM A MOTHER TO A DAUGHTER"Toxic Drumshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01422159950237560120noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-44699263282644959782019-04-24T17:13:44.948+01:002019-04-24T17:13:44.948+01:00I don't know if you are old enough to be deali...I don't know if you are old enough to be dealing with an elderly, ageing parent or not. I will only say this, if you get the opportunity to be the caretaker of your mother or father, especially to the time of their passing - you won't look at it quite the same way. All of the rational "psychology" that your are looking through now will pass away and your emotional responses will overwhelm you faster than you can process. All criticism will fade away and hopefully you won't have too many regrets for not having been more patient and especially more caring towards your parent. Don't let your analytical mind rob you of your humanity.Ciehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05267977952587650804noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-86289321847913299822019-04-24T17:12:01.279+01:002019-04-24T17:12:01.279+01:00This comment has been removed by the author.Ciehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05267977952587650804noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-72669351518046542232017-01-17T03:38:53.474+00:002017-01-17T03:38:53.474+00:00Thank You! Empathy at zero... GeezThank You! Empathy at zero... GeezAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06783572597563717504noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-70394081915125692822016-11-18T17:06:41.048+00:002016-11-18T17:06:41.048+00:00Spot on! Spot on! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-27742368351767829432016-06-08T18:51:10.503+01:002016-06-08T18:51:10.503+01:00Too any children ignore their again parents and tr...Too any children ignore their again parents and treat many of them like the alleged daughter in the story above. I have seen examples of this.Rob Taylorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05832284590392370731noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-13671110358303375062016-01-04T07:04:31.009+00:002016-01-04T07:04:31.009+00:00To Anonymous (4 January 2016):
Just yes really. I...To Anonymous (4 January 2016):<br />Just yes really. I take the health professional's points seriously. I happen to be slightly less than perfect myself. ;) My post was a single perspective considering the philosophical issues and in an actual real life situation such as this I would be completely understanding. Life is so multifaceted and difficult to comprehend. But questioning and adjusting our cultural assumptions just might be a good thing. Thank you for your thoughts.Toxic Drumshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01422159950237560120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-71637178935587521052016-01-04T06:57:55.745+00:002016-01-04T06:57:55.745+00:00To Becky. When people are abused they become dist...To Becky. When people are abused they become distorted. It seems to me that you had a severely damaging childhood and have made significant progress in spite of your expressed 'failures'. Of course it is always hard to know what to do whilst we are 'interpreting' life through a slightly damaged lens. All that is evident to me is that you are doing the right thing being concerned. You have my best wishes.Toxic Drumshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01422159950237560120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-73403678725892321472016-01-04T06:52:48.928+00:002016-01-04T06:52:48.928+00:00You seem resentful that you have to work with &quo...You seem resentful that you have to work with "individuals who have dementia".<br />To refer to someone as an individual is somewhat depersonalising.<br />You sound like a fucking moron to me.Toxic Drumshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01422159950237560120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-47965864899609274412016-01-04T00:43:23.205+00:002016-01-04T00:43:23.205+00:00I like that you have picked it apart, and you have...I like that you have picked it apart, and you have excellent points. I absolutely agree that authority should be questioned. Look at where the world is today. I understand the comments from outraged health professionals and I understand their points also. I'm a mental health counselor and have worked with aging populations and children of aging parents. It is just complicated. I believe generational norms have a great deal to do with it. Women from my mother's generation had very specific roles as mothers and housekeepers. Her particular generation was still taught from the generation previous that children should be seen and not heard. Children should obey their parents. Children should not question their parents. If the answer was no, it was because they said so. Times change. We eventually learn from previous generations what works and what doesn't. In more current generations parents are perceived as having more cooperative relationships with their children; allowing and even encouraging questions, making decisions together when practical. I'm currently sandwiched between generations. my mother is elderly and my daughter is a young adult. I had my daughter early and I know I made a lot of mistakes, following in the way I was raised. As we've all become older though, I see a difference. I've worked through many of my grievances with my mother and come to peace with them. Occasionally when I'm with her, I wonder about her thoughts and feelings as she looks back on an encounter I bring up. I have hopes that now, as adults we can talk about what happened in a deeper way. Her immediate response is defense. Her second response is denial. I feel sad for her. My daughter and I, on the other hand, sometimes share our thoughts and feelings about a piece of history, or we don't. It's just not always a bfd. Sometimes just in a thoughtful way, my daughter will bring up a time when she had felt hurt by something I had done and my first response is a kind of horror at looking back and remembering the event and how poorly I had handled it. I tell her I absolutely understand how what I did affected her and I genuinely apologize. She mostly says, "It's ok," and goes back to what she was doing. It's just so healing for me, and I hope for her. I have faith that we're all learning at our own pace and that many of us are headed in a good direction.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-25541696616650670342016-01-02T15:10:10.500+00:002016-01-02T15:10:10.500+00:00I was not a good mother, I was physically abused a...I was not a good mother, I was physically abused and verbally abused by my father and mother that adopted me. I got pregnant by a boyfriend that became physically and verbally abusive. I was not prepared for motherhood, tried to get an abortion and ended in divorce when my daughter was 4. Her father never wanted anything to do with her but did pay his child support and come to events such as her birthday and some school events. But he would never take her for a day or a few hours. I became a police officer and was very strict but bought my daughter whatever she wanted. I had two relationships with men while she was growing up and she was angry whenever I became involved. She drank and smoked cigarrettes, stole from me, and got pregnant at 15. I made her get an abortion and she has never forgiven me. My current husband of 22 years and I have taken her and her three kids in 10 years out of the 22. We have raised the granddaughter off an on. My daughter has no desire to forgive or be family. I have told her I love her, I have learned how I could have did things differently, but no forgiveness. What do I dobeckyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05706455841273569125noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-39055895727586581622015-03-27T17:35:47.314+00:002015-03-27T17:35:47.314+00:00I think you are a fucking idiot and an asshole for...I think you are a fucking idiot and an asshole for this post! Try working with individuals who have dementia and you may change your mind about your ignorant thoughts. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-46415055108607089452014-05-14T23:57:56.458+01:002014-05-14T23:57:56.458+01:00My point exactly I thought. This is fictional and...My point exactly I thought. This is fictional and an idealisation which evidently, from the analysis, is not a reality. The problem arises when this is the thought process of a real person because it evidences the unreal world being constructed to justify or 'explain' reality which, of course, is in fact a fiction. It is also common place and therefore a little disturbing and serves as a mechanism to sustain the Stockholm Syndrome effect of complying with oppression. Interestingly you mention this should be considered a "wake-up call" and I would suggest it is precisely the opposite - a confirmation of the an-aesthetic state in which so many people exist. It seems the 'objections' to this post are based on emotional distress caused by questioning the established cultural sentiments which are themselves oppressive. This is evidently a disturbing issue.Toxic Drumshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01422159950237560120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-19388741952844744022014-05-14T21:18:15.849+01:002014-05-14T21:18:15.849+01:00Reading your review I thought, duh, how out-of-tou...Reading your review I thought, duh, how out-of-touch this writer is. The point is NOT a literal mother "begging" a daughter. The words should be considered lyrics to be shared with OTHERS as a wake-up call--not a reprimand!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07425343739241972649noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-37462410850438526062014-04-30T23:52:57.698+01:002014-04-30T23:52:57.698+01:00I am disgusted by this review. You must be someone...I am disgusted by this review. You must be someone who has no experience with this population as you have made some very superficial comments about the daughter and claim they are based on her upbringing. You have viewed this piece from a "psychological" perspective which really carries no weight. I am a healthcare professional that works with families of clients with Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia. I have my masters in psychology and public health. Clearly you have never actually experienced this and I hope you never have to, but it can be very easy for caregivers to become impatient or arrogant due to lack of knowledge or just plain scared. Please be more thoughtful next time you post.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-20685088239950815442014-01-18T14:19:25.595+00:002014-01-18T14:19:25.595+00:00Thank you for that intelligent and thoughtful comm...Thank you for that intelligent and thoughtful comment. I kind of agree with you insofar as life can be complicated and 'things' change. I felt it was desirable to tear the letter apart primarily because of the strange imbalance we seem to exhibit in our culture; That is of the 'authority' not being held to the same scrutiny and values as the 'subjects'. Having spent a great deal of my life figuring out what is going on with people's minds it is clear that we reveal an awful lot in what we actually say as opposed to what is supposed to be understood by what we say. I don't think I paint parenting as simple or rosy but I do try to clarify some of the dynamics. It may sound a little grandiose but part of my concern is with how we collectively allow politicians (and everyone else in authority) to get away with things which they are dictating others should refrain from. And it all seems to cascade from the way we bring up children - well it would really. So we have to stop this ridiculous culture of expecting certain behaviour from children without first making sure we can, and do, behave that way. It is too easy to blame a child for being rude or troublesome rather than understand why they are reacting in that way. One of the worst cases is the idealisation of the 'parent' (and particularly the 'mother') as if all parents come out of the same mould. Anyway - I know parenting is not all rosy - I have the wounds to prove it (but that is my problem - not the child's ;) ).Toxic Drumshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01422159950237560120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-76982073218726738452014-01-18T09:35:58.323+00:002014-01-18T09:35:58.323+00:00I think you have torn this apart with perhaps some...I think you have torn this apart with perhaps some very vailid good points but did it need to be done? I also think you are wrong in some cases. I see this as referring to what life may have changed in her daughter, because although she may have been brought up in a good way life can certainly knock sense out of you. To me it is asking for someone who can't ask maybe with dementia or similar, it's a reminder of how roles can change, I need to be reminded myself sometimes to be patient with my daughter, parenting is not as simple and rosey as you seem to paint a picture here.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12204939273107599558noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-40114948655298590072013-10-24T22:15:45.349+01:002013-10-24T22:15:45.349+01:00There's a lot of it about. :)There's a lot of it about. :)Toxic Drumshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01422159950237560120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281301013528109838.post-78433999602744672512013-10-24T10:41:53.544+01:002013-10-24T10:41:53.544+01:00Well spotted.Well spotted.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com