Woke up in a unique fabricated illusion. It's mine. It's what is loosely referred to as "me". But I am not the illusion. If there were an "I" then I am the perspective.
What is Art? Give me a fucking huge grant and a prestigious position in an international Art Institution then I'll tell you. Annie Lennox singing Sweet Dreams springs to mind. "Everybody's looking for something." I can't give everybody what they want because everybody is looking for something different. Some of them want to abuse me. Some of them want to be abused.
Finding an anchor point, a rock to stand on, a fixed perspective, is nigh on impossible. It's all relative and any reference point is relative to something else. It is nice when you can hear someone shouting abuse at you and you can see their trauma instead of feeling their pain. It is good when you can remain calm in a tumultuous sea of despair. There is a world of difference, however, between a sanctimonious privileged hypocrite condescending feigned stoicism and a calm spiritually centred mystic.
When people altercast at you they are simply projecting their trauma. They are falsely holding on to a fixed reference point putting any disturbance or deviation down to you. They are like a snake that needs a fixed object as leverage before it can crush you to death. But being human inside these volatile circumstances it is not possible to be a static external unmoved observer.
So when the pressure increases and your family turn against you and your government slowly destroys you and every which way you turn you cannot find anyone with any influence who is not going to conspire with the cultural consensus to cut off your oxygen and suffocate you to death it all begins to feel hopeless. I'll commit suicide. That'll teach them. Then they'll be sorry. But that's been done before and it won't teach them anything and they'll probably be glad to be rid of me. I know; I'll take out a few "innocents" with me. I'll go into the Council Offices with a bomb and blow the whole place up. That'll make people wonder what the fuck was going on. No it won't. It's been tried before. I know ... I have a better idea, I'll kill my daughter. That will really fuck with their minds. That'll make them realise how hideous they are. That'll make them sorry and finally they will pay attention to me and stop trying to kill me. Hmm ... That won't work either. They'll just blame it all on me and walk away muttering to themselves about how dreadful I am and why I should be terminated. There must be a better way.
HALLELUIAH - I'VE GOT IT!
What I'll do is send my daughter into the world to be abused by them. I'll let them pursue her and hound her and accuse her and finally murder her. Then everyone will be shocked. Then they'll realise what they're doing. Then they'll feel sorry for me and try to make reparations and worship me and adore me and love me in a desperate attempt to atone for their demonic crimes. Then I'll have them under my thumb. They'll never be able to forgive their own despotic, ruthless, bestial, cruel, vicious nature. They will forever be under my control.
There's one small problem with that. It's been tried before. When everything else fails send your son into the world and create such a fucking humungous guilt complex that for thousands of years humanity will suffer in the hell of its own insatiable guilt. They'll escalate you to a God and worship and adore you forever. They'll even repeatedly commit genocide for you and in your name. How's that for success?
Oh well - I guess I'll meander off and think of something more creative to do with my time.
Some years ago I was shouting about the problem. Now I am sitting here in front of a computer with many thoughts going round in my head. To those who don't understand let me make it clear that physically I feel sick with distress. Today I can get up and go for a walk or cook something to eat. For those of you who don't understand I say FUCK OFF AND DIE. Oh dear - does that sound offensive? Try flechette missiles for babies it's much more fun. And here's the thing - some of them don't die, they just suffer and are traumatised and maimed. What fun.
I made the profound error of believing the bullshit spewed out by those in authority. I paid attention. Strange phrase that. I "paid". I was attentive and aligned myself as much as possible with their desired perspective. I agreed that kindness was a good thing. I agreed that honesty and equality and good intentions were values to be cherished. I was always the first to "bury the hatchet", make way for others, tolerate mistakes and generally be amenable to those around me.
So now I am shocked to my foundations to find that really the people espousing those ideas and dictating to those smaller, younger and weaker than themselves do not abide by their own values. They, instead, abuse these values to maintain their advantageous position over others. In fact they derelict those values, they dispose of them, they turn them on their head and lie and cheat and assault and deceive to harm other people to maintain their own pleasure.
There is no way for me to acquire this fabricated commodity called money demanded by others to afford me the capacity to live. I can't make my own way because they have built a fraudulent system of ownership to ensure there is no place for me outside of their constructs. I am caught in a trap. And for those currently immersed in the illusion of this fake materialist culture, this fairground of death, it seems you only have to comply to eke a living and be saved.
But if you do not fit the cultural requirement you are deemed a misfit, a reject, a veritable aberration. You are, in fact, categorically disposable. This culture is polarising around the amazingly insane idea that a pyramid economy can continue to improve whilst undermining the very foundations of its success. This culture is consuming itself. And the first to be annihilated are always the children, the poor, the elderly, the frail, the unemployed, and the sick.
If you have a job and a house and a currently sustainable way of life in this materialistic Western Culture and you judge, dismiss, ignore, or condemn those who are worse off than you, then you are guilty of a most insidious transgression. If you do not lend your humanity to opposing the escalating insanity of this culture then you are feeding it and part of it and as guilty as any of those in power who are creating it. And for those ignorant, self satisfied, sanctimonious, hypocritical religious freaks: Don't go to church - GOD FUCKING HATES YOU.
Convoluted turmoil in the vortex of other people's convoluted turmoil.
Inside my head I simulate what it is like inside another person's head. Inside other people's heads are simulations of other people's heads. One of the other people in their head is their simulation of what's inside my head. Inside my head is a simulation of their simulation of what's inside my head which includes their simulation of my simulation of them.
All of this seems to occur inside the neurological network of our brain.
It matters to me what other people think of me. It matters to me because I have learnt that my behaviour affects their behaviour toward me. Just as one learns the mechanism of reaching out and picking up a glass of water to get a drink so we learn how to operate other people's behaviour around us to nourish our experience.
Because of the complex self reproduction of patterns in the material universe we are already the result of a long sequence of self interaction. Our physical form embodies the behaviour of self simulation. We are, to use an analogy, hard wired to simulate other people in our brains.
When I interact with people if I have an image of them which is in some way negative to them they have an image of me which is somewhat negative. They need to alter their behaviour to cause a change in my perception which is more advantageous to them. The complexities and variations seem endless. But from one perspective it seems that they benefit from my good regard of them. But if their approach to me is to attempt to change my perception of them by force or imposition then, in me at least, there is a tendency for me to object and to have a more negative view of them. Not liking this, or not serving their inner interest, they may increase their efforts causing an amplification of the effect.
This self reflection is analogous to mirrors and in my case I often feel like a mirror to other people. Sometimes it is as if they so dislike their reflection they try to destroy me. To me it appears that way. So how did I arrive at a negative perception of them? And what of the people I regard well?
Generally speaking humans do not like killing other humans. There has been much research done on this and any General understands that you have to condition your troops to kill. You have to create powerful dynamics which render the soldier dependent upon your good regard of him. He has to have a perception of the collective consensus which perceives him as good when he kills an enemy; and equally that he is bad when he doesn't. Many soldiers return from active duty traumatised by the actions they have taken. What is also revealing is how betrayed veterans feel when they are treated no better than cattle when they return home.
In an individual case a person does not want to break the mirror which reflects a negative image because they are more concerned to change the mirror to reflect them well. People require mirrors because it is how they form their own image of themselves. Of course, in extremes they will break the mirror if they are frustrated and making no improvement to their self image. But the problem there is that the negative image which they have simulated inside their own head is now fixed and unalterable.
It seems that our self image is a reflection and as such we are not somehow a unique thing so much as a unique perspective.
One of my enduring problems is how to operate in a dysfunctional environment in such a way as to render a good result for me. How can I act for my benefit without harming others who are harming me because that leaves me feeling bad about myself. In this convoluted vortex of feedback I only need to chance upon smallest adjustment to alter the manifest cascading disaster into a beautiful rendition of harmonious equilibrium.
All of this is going on subliminally and unconsciously. So, when they approach me and I either take off their heads with a scimitar or shower rose petals at their feet, is it their doing or mine? Which will render the best result. What God wants God gets.
Two news items have congealed on the surface of my fermenting consciousness.
1. UK prisons 'holding child inmates in solitary confinement against UN torture rules'. (Mentioned in the Independent.)
2. Facebook 'failed to remove sexualised images of children'. (Mentioned by the BBC)
I encountered them both listening to Radio 4 from my sick bed - and my bed is sick.
Apparently the British Government is in breach of International law by holding children in solitary confinement. This should not be the surprise it appears to be by being "news worthy". It was reported that it is well established that solitary confinement can cause irreversible mental health problems. Again this should not be a surprise.
The issue with Facebook that interests me was that they reported the BBC journalists to the police for distributing images of child exploitation. Apparently the "investigative" journalists had collected 100 questionable images, posted them, and then reported them to Facebook to see how many they would remove. Whatever the details this highlights the paradoxical nature of attempting to censor other people's communications with your own judgement. There is the philosophical issue that you should censor your own communications according to your own judgement, as should others. But that is a well worn subject and not my issue here. My interest is in the irony that the BBC expressed incredulity at themselves being reported to the police by Facebook whilst they were the ones distributing images of child exploitation in an entrapment exercise which is also illegal.
What seems most disturbing to me is that the whole ethos of this British Government is severely immoral and draconian, and yet virtually everyone, including myself, mixes up "authority" with "justice". There is a profound reason for this mix up and it can be seen in the condition of being human. Our first experience is as a dependant on an authority. Even Christianity, as an authority and a significant world religion, attempts to mitigate this problem by asserting the paradoxical philosophical perspective that "authority" does not reside in other human beings but rather the Universe at large. They describe it as God, but as the omnipresent omnipotent creator, God is equivalent to Universe. The only access to this justice, this benign authority, this inviolable state of affairs, is through ourselves, our conscience, and our heart. So true authority lies within ourselves and yet at every turn we attempt to appeal to a higher authority for justice from the current violators. "Mummy, it's not fair he did that nasty thing." "I'll tell teacher", " I'm calling the police", " I'll sue you", " I'll take it to the Supreme Court", "It's against the European Convention of Human Rights", "IT'S AGAINST INTERNATIONAL LAW." But a brief examination of International Law should satisfy anyone that there is no justice, only dominion, oppression, and control.
Ultimately we all need to stop appealing to higher authorities and to recognise our own inalienable and incontrovertible authority. Of course this would mean that Doctors would attend to their patients instead of their paymasters, and Judges would serve justice not the Judiciary, and people who work for the DWP would stop enacting paradoxical injustices to preserve their lowly wages. But none of this will happen because each piece of the jigsaw is inextricably linked to every other piece and at each stage the excuse is that I need to make money so that I can live and continue to do the good things I do. This is a profound problem in the human condition but I suspect it is not inescapable. But who will blink first?
It would be nice at the end of a missive to have some satisfying conclusion but I have none. I have become isolated and terrorised by the manifestation of this self contradictory culture. In a less obvious way I am subjected to solitary confinement via economic and social constrains. This has the inevitable consequence of doing me harm. The sociopolitical landscape is rupturing and I have been pushed to the edge of a bottomless fissure designed to dispose of the non-conforming memes of perception which threaten to dissolve and destroy the current collective matrix of illusion which serves the oligarchs. There is no higher authority to which I can appeal. I am being abused to death by my own culture.